Dear Ones of the TDCJ Buddhist Sangha, The very heart of our practice is freedom. True freedom, exists only in the present moment, it is not something in the past nor is it happening in the future. It is habits of mind that limit our ability to do be fully present, these are transformed by the practice of mindfulness. An example would be sitting next to someone we don’t know. We immediately begin to make up a story based upon what we see or hear. When we get to know them better, the story will shift and change depending upon what they say or do. What’s important is that we are not mindful of these stories, and believe them simply because they come into our mind. We don’t see beyond our habitual reactions. We also make up stories about ourselves, we are continuously reinventing ourselves depending upon the situation. True freedom is mindful present awareness, aware of our thoughts, feelings and actions, not just believing whatever we are making up. Presence is being aware of awareness, aware of all that we are experiencing in this moment rather than being caught up in the current of our thoughts or feelings. Our habit of believing every thought we have is like being in a boat without a rudder, tossed about by every ripple without the ability to determine our direction. Liking and disliking is the single most powerful mental habit that robs us of our ability to be present. This is the dynamic that conditions all of our reactive thoughts, feelings and attitudes and it is based on attraction, rejection or indifference. In the teachings, this pattern of conditioning is known as The Three Objects: what’s desirable, undesirable, and that to which we are indifferent. These are The Three Poisons of desire, hatred and ignorance. In meditation when we notice that we are liking or disliking it is recognition. The instructions are to just rest in the recognition of what is going on and allow the mind to release itself back into awareness. This sounds simple, but it takes some practice, so it’s important to be patient. When we meditate we sit in stillness and quiet, inner quiet, and give ourselves permission to just be, not reacting, not doing anything, even thinking! This begins by allowing the body to relax itself and for the breath to settle into a natural rhythm. In natural meditation we are present to whatever comes up, we allow the mind to naturally settle itself and spontaneously open to presence. This may only happen for an instant or two at first, but it’s important to notice what it is. Presence itself is not an experience, it is a state of being that allows us to be aware of awareness. We don’t create or cause presence, we allow it. With presence, we cultivate the skill of calm abiding. In post-meditation, whether walking, sitting, standing or laying down, remain mindful, aware of what we’re doing, saying, being. Mindfulness is the practice that allows our innate freedom to spring forth, the key to awakening.
What do I do when I have a lot of negative thoughts? Remind yourself that our thoughts don’t define us, we are not what we think. Nothing is what it seems to be, even as shadows are created by light, the natural purity of being is always present. The content of the thought is not important, it’s our awareness of it. Thoughts arise out of habit, because we have a thought of something at one time, we will have it again. Difficulty arises when we attach to that thought, agonize over it, fantasize about it or in any other way react or identify with it. In this way we reinforce the habit. In meditation we see that thoughts have no substantial form or reality. We also become aware that there’s a lot of space around thoughts, between one dissolving and another one arising. These two insights about thought have the effect of powering down our attachment or identification with them. What if a thought is so powerful or obsessive that it keeps coming back? If a thought is so emotionally charged then more energetic, physical practices like yoga, prostrations and energetic breathing are good. Bring the attention to the body, allow it to relax itself, and then to the breath, the body breathing itself. Keep in mind that all thoughts, when left alone, will eventual dissolve, otherwise they wouldn’t “come back.” Begin to notice this with thoughts that are less emotional. We’re not pushing away or suppressing a thought, just being present, aware of it. Recognition, not reaction. If even for a few moments, allow the body to relax, let the body meditate you, let the breath meditate you. The more we are able to allow ourselves to be present, the more we begin to demystify ourselves, to take a bigger view of who we are. Our natural wisdom and compassion will spontaneously arise, we’ll be aware of more and more moments at peace and we’ll experience less conflict with whatever is going on around us. This is the practice working through us. Each time we practice, whether we feel it was a good meditation or not, it’s important to dedicate the merit to the benefit and awaking of all beings. Taking the time to practice holds tremendous benefit. Each time we sit, we hold the space for all beings to have access to the teachings and the practices, we hold the potential for all beings to awaken. Emaho!
Enclosed is a study sheet on The Five Wisdoms/The Five Poisons. This teaching comes from the Vajrayana tradition on the relationship between our conditioned confusion, and our innate wisdom. There is a lot here to meditate and reflect upon, I hope you find it insightful.
Due to the fact that there are so few Buddhists in the system, (.004% of the TDCJ population) the Religious Practices Committee has turned down our request to designate a Buddhist Program. This means that “at this time” there will be no designated units for Buddhist study and practice. I’m sure that this is disappointing news to many of you, particularly those without access to a volunteer in your area. We’re not giving up on this request, the world-wide evidence on the transformative power of contemplative practice is too great to be ignored. We’ll keep you posted. I try to keep these seasonal updates concise and on a topic, so please stay in touch, let me know how your practice is going. It may take me a little time to write to each of you, but if you write to me I will write you back.
Go in peace my Dharma brothers and sisters, Love,
Terry Conrad CVCA
Spring, 2008 Dear Ones,
Correspondence has been quite heavy lately, I hope that you’ll forgive my sending you something of a ‘form’ letter. Please know how much I appreciate hearing from each of you and working with you to better understand the nature of practice, I hope this is helpful.
It’s unfortunate that we have to engage in spiritual practice, that’s it’s even necessary at all. It’s unfortunate that we suffer hurt, disappointment, irritation, frustration, anxiety, anger and resentment, but we do. The great teachings of Buddhism tell us that although such feelings may continue to arise, it’s not necessary for us to suffer because of them. It comes down to what kind of relationship we have with our thoughts, feelings and perceptions. Most of us may not be comfortable with our thoughts, what we are feeling, what we see or hear. We may feel anxious, fearful, isolated, lonely or unhappy and, quite possibly, we just want these feelings to go away. We want things to be different.
What if things are already different, we just don’t recognize it? What if these thoughts and feelings are not what they seem? What if all the uncomfortable feelings we have are not really true? All the irritation, disappointment, frustration, guilt and anxiety that come up may not be at all what they seem?
What does it mean to be enlightened, to have a spiritual awakening? When we are asleep, and dream, where do those dreams go when we wake up? Did everything that happened in the dream really happen? When we wake up, are we really any different than when we were dreaming?
Spiritual practice allows us to wake up, to see thoughts, feelings, perceptions and our experience of those things in a different way. We aren’t suddenly a different person, we still talk pretty much the same, look the same, the same thoughts and feelings come up, but our relationship with those feelings is… different.
What’s different? What kind of a shift has taken place? Even though we have the same thoughts and feelings, we don’t have to own them, we don’t have to believe that they are true, that they in any way define us or direct us to think, feel, talk or act in a certain way. We can be present to whatever is coming up for us without having to react or obsess about it.
How does this happen? Am I supposed to just ignore what I’m feeling, what I’m thinking? On the contrary, we’re invited to honor what we feel, to be present with our thoughts, whatever they are; to be present to whatever is driving the thoughts, to notice if there is any judgment, any holding or the desire to push anything away.
What are we doing while we’re meditating? We pay attention, allow ourselves to be present to whatever we are experiencing without pushing or grasping. We pay attention to what is going on in our body, how we are breathing. Are you holding any tension in your body? How are you breathing? Can you feel your head balanced on your shoulders? Can you feel the weight of your head in your back? How are you breathing?
Presence to sensation is experiencing the nature of the mind.
A wise man said that the point of spiritual practice is to experience the truth of being and freedom. If we allow ourselves to be present to our experience, to whatever is arising, we will come to know freedom. As much as we may want to awaken, to be free, there may be parts of our being that resist it. Resistance can show up as irritation, sleepiness or negativity, doubt or indifference. Our self-centered habits will resist not making up a story, having a judgment, projecting a fantasy, or holding onto an attitude. Our habit of liking and disliking, picking and choosing, attachment and aversion, supports our self-serving sense of an ego. The image or cover story that we have of ourselves is just an idea, an image or concept that we have pieced together over time, it doesn’t really exist except as a projection in our mind. Our delusion, ignorance or confusion, whatever we want to call it, is not recognizing that by holding onto all of our stories, we block out the light of our own radiance. Like the clouds blocking the sun, our self reinforced conditioning temporarily obscures the light of our being.
Every time we buy into a story about what we are experiencing, we create our own bondage, our own personal prison. We cage our mind with concepts, images, preferences and bias’ that are based on liking, disliking and indifference. Through grasping or aversion, we continuously re-condition ourselves and perpetuate our confusion. Freedom is our natural state of being, we can only realize freedom by not doing… not reinforcing our conditioned state of mind.
How can we do this? When thoughts of liking and disliking arise, happiness or sadness, we remain present to them without grasping or pushing them away; we are not trying to change, to improve or transform anything. In meditation it’s not necessary to react to thoughts, feelings, sensations or perceptions; we see every experience as the opportunity to know ourselves, to know the nature of our mind. By loving our life, accepting and embracing everything that is happening, pleasant or unpleasant, difficult or easy without attachment or aversion, we will experience the presence of true being. I know, this may sound challenging, but the power of this exploration can set us free. This is the essential quality of meditation.
Presence is the truth of this very moment, it does not exist in the past or the future. Presence does not exist in time, we can’t cause it or cultivate it, we can only allow it. Freedom is possible when we are present, to our body, our breath, our mind. Without presence there can be no freedom, for anyone, anywhere. Can we be present to anger, pain, illness, without wanting to change or improve it? Can we be present to happiness, joy, pleasure, without wanting to grasp or hold onto it? Can you love your life, every single moment of it? Can you feel how you are breathing?
Love and blessings,
Terry Conrad CVCA Director, Project Clear Light
October 26, 2008 Galveston
Dear Ones,
It has been a month and a half since Hurricane Ike devastated Galveston Island. We are safe and our home was spared any serious damage, however, the business and office spaces were inundated with over six feet of water. Of everything we lost, my greatest regret is losing the Project Clear Light office. This includes the most current database, all your letters and the other books and supplies that we send out to inmates nationwide. I was able to recover some of the malas, a bit stained but otherwise useable. Hopefully we will get the Mala Project and the rest of our work, back in operation very soon.
The Island we live on is a disaster area. All the supports that we have held around us in our daily lives have become nothing but refuse heaped on the growing mountain of trash that is worked day and night by giant machines dragging it off our streets and hauling it to the mainland. We see the intimate particles of furniture, kitchenware, clothing and collections of thousands of households that are now soiled, broken and discarded. Lives have been upended, families dispersed and loved ones lost to the devastation of wind and water. Homes and hearts have been laid wide open.
This is one of those big impermanence lessons that life occasionally hands out to us all, a reminder to not take ourselves and our stuff too seriously. When we see buildings smashed or totally obliterated, and cars, boats, RV’s and trailers tossed about like broken toys, it’s an opportunity to see the really empty nature of our thoughts, feelings, attitudes and opinions. Everything around and within us is constantly undergoing change, some things at a faster frequency level than others. The outer intensity of a hurricane reflects the inner power of emotional turmoil that can be so destructive to our equanimity and result in harm to ourselves and to others. At the center of a cyclonic storm, one of the greatest forces in nature, there is a calm eye that moves without harm; at the center of our being, regardless of our mental or emotional state, there is the ever-present evenness of self-knowing awareness.
Many of you have written to see how we are doing, expressing your love and concern for our welfare. I am deeply touched and strengthened by your thoughts and prayers on our behalf. Every day we have been working long hours to clean and repair the damage to our building and to rebuild out businesses. On my desk is a large stack of letters to be answered. As the work begins to lighten, and I am able to replace some of the equipment lost, I will pick up the correspondence with each of you; in the meantime I am sending out this letter of well wishing to all of you whose names are on an earlier copy of the Project Clear Light database. If you know of anyone that does not receive this letter and would like to be on our mailing list, please ask them to let us know.
